How nice of you to publish Your thoughts on everything. Such well-informed opinions – A wit and wisdom spring!
How kind of you to comment On every single post. A blabbermouthed responder bot Is what the world needs most!
We’re trapped in social networks Comprised of mutual friends; These intersecting circles frame Our news and views and trends.
It seems there’s no escaping Your unrelenting pap, Our electronic second lives Condemned to overlap.
And thus I can’t delete you: We go back way too far. You’re not all bad; you just can’t see How bothersome you are.
And nor can I ignore you: Our roots are intertwined. There’s too much goddamn common ground For me to be unkind.
Our pals in common rate you – They find you quite the hoot; They like your unrestrained approach And think your rants are cute.
For me, your over-sharing Just irritates and cloys, Since one percent is interesting And ninety-nine just noise.
It’s like you’ve changed completely: You used to be benign; I’m sure you weren’t a babbling shrew Until you came online.
I guess you crave attention – It’s more than just a hunch. What normal folk need feedback on The food they ate for lunch?
What well-adjusted people Announce their every song, Then type and post the lyrics while They sit and sing along?
Who broadcasts their location For all the world to see? It’s like you want a stalker to Escape mundanity.
You clearly lack a filter; Your life’s an open book. Your family must love you Sharing private pics you took:
Your parents’ sofa snoozing; Your children in the bath; Your partner passed out in the hall – That must have been a laugh.
You love to flaunt your cleavage, Unsought and out of place; You’d think those were the only tits On show in cyberspace.
You’re ruled by self-absorption. Your modesty’s on strike. I’m sick of seeing where you go And what you think and like.
I’m bored of hearing all your thoughts, Unfiltered and unwise. That humble girl I used to know, I hardly recognise.
You join in every meme fad And laud celebrities. You fill your head with tabloid cack Before you shoot the breeze.
Your cut-and-pasted humour – That needy undertone; I know you well enough to tell Those jokes are not your own.
I’ve no wish to upset you By taking you to task, But, dammit, we need boundaries, And this is what I ask:
Don’t forward me your ‘funnies’; They seldom make me laugh. A jape that everybody’s seen Won’t wow on your behalf.
Don’t tag me in old photos; If I want new mates to know That I used to hang with losers, I’ll be sure to tell them so.
Don’t piss me off with footage Of some random stranger’s skit; Another oddball’s viral vid? Don’t share that sheepy shit.
Stop posting quirky pet snaps: I’m so tired of seeing your cat. Another wacky feline shot? I’ve got no time for that.
And spare me baby pictures; Yes, they mean the world to you, But, if we’re being honest, I’ve seen cuter at the zoo.
Don’t fling me invitations To play your favourite game, ’Cause when I want to waste my life, I’ll find a way less lame.
Don’t sign nonstop petitions Then ask the same of me; And if you want my sponsorship, Please show some courtesy.
And when you send a message, Don’t bet that I’ll reply. Don’t push your luck with nagging: That demanding shit won’t fly.
Just chill with those emojis; Grow up – you’re not fourteen. And curb those exclamation marks – That barrage on my screen.
See, maybe I’m old-fashioned – Hell, maybe I’m just old – But throwaway communiqués Just grate and leave me cold.
Your ‘look at me!’ persona; The blurting how you feel; It smacks of desperate hankering To be a bigger deal.
The off-the-scale haranguing; That full divulgence bent; You need to find a better way To ease your discontent.
Don't try so hard to grandstand; To steal the show each day; Then learn some online etiquette And you’ll be on your way.
I dig the inclination To style yourself anew, But maybe you’d be happier If you could just be you.
Rhymes Against Humanity
The poem Web Pest features in Modern Madness: Rhymes Against Humanity, the debut poetry book by Ross Adamson.
Available in paperback and ebook editions, this storming full-length collection is both a masterclass in skillful, high-octane rhyming verse and a timely, trenchant indictment of early 21st century society.
Modern Madness is smart and streetwise, eloquent and insightful, vehement and rebellious. It buzzes with expressive verve and lyrical charm from the first poem to the last.
Adamson's emphatic 'rhymes of the times' fearlessly tackle emotive topical themes, some sharpshooting a laser-guided dart to the heart of the matter, others detonating a poetic powder keg of righteous anger.
Knowing and noteworthy, this standout collection exemplifies contemporary poetry at its piquant and provocative best. Modern Madness is spirited, quotable, thought-provoking and highly entertaining throughout. Get your copy now!