Goalies Against Hoolies
'Goalies Against Hoolies', an Eighties master plan,
Pitched Thatcher and her government against The Hooligan.
Devised by Bernard Ingham and Watford's Elton John,
Posed in the wake of Heysel and the dark decade just gone,
It voiced that clever goalkeepers – the first in line of fire –
Would somehow halt the violence, stop the damage, curb the ire.
These ‘graduates with eloquence’, the First Division’s brains,
Could influence the firms to down their Stanleys and their chains.
They thought that Gary Bailey, then king between the sticks,
Would soon convince The Red Army to down their blades and bricks.
Then maybe Neville Southall could promptly follow suit
And stop The Cutters throwing flares and putting in the boot.
The Herd would look to Jennings for their etiquette advice.
The Headhunters would acquiesce once Eddie said, 'be nice!'.
The Inter City Firm would chill once Parkes had had a word;
Once Bruce had spoken up, the R.R.S. would be deterred.
'Oi! What yer doin' back ’ere, son – you're meant to start a riot?'
'Well, Grobbelaar persuaded me to sit down and keep quiet.'
So out of touch with culture, as the Tories always are,
Old Bernard thought he'd change the game with ’keeper-led PR.
Unluckily for them - and us? - the cabinet soon demurred;
The Tories saved some face - and goalies - thanks to Douglas Hurd.
What other gems are lurking in the National Archive, then?
Did Major sign communiqués: ‘Big John from Number Ten’?
Did Tony Blair’s die-hard belief in WMDs
Stem from a date with Dubbya where they overdid blue cheese?
Was Gordon Brown’s last gambit to avert the double-dip
A plot to spike the City with an airborne acid trip?
Did Cameron, it might one day leak, pull off a masterstroke
By spawning someone worse than him – that ghastly UKIP bloke?
No doubt we’ll find out soon enough as public records rise;
Expect yet more bewilderment, amusement and surprise.